Wankers - Wankers' Guide to Canada

Tracks

Side 1

		Track Name	Length
	1	Eugene Levy – Tina Turner, Mick Jagger and Bruce Springsteen Live (Spoken Word)	03:28
	2	Earl Cameron – Welcome to Canada (Spoken Word)	01:10
	3	Peter Alves – Album Immigration (Spoken Word)	00:11
	4	Martin Short – Wanker’s Away	03:22
	5	Ah, The Muh	00:19
	6	Val Bailey – How to Use This Record (Spoken Word)	01:53
	7	Earl Cameron – The French Question (Spoken Word)	00:12
	8	Catherine O’Hara – Oral French, If You Know What We Mean (Spoken Word)	01:30
	9	The Hummer Sisters – Well-Dressed Girls	04:39
	10	Val Bailey – A Skill-Testing Answer (Spoken Word)	00:12
	11	Val Bailey – This Hour No Time Slot (Spoken Word)	00:10
	12	Earl Cameron – A Place to Sleep (Spoken Word)	01:29
	13	Val Bailey – Emergency Measures (Spoken Word)	00:29
	14	Eugene Levy – Kidnapped (Spoken Word)	02:28
	15	The Nylons – We Have Your Daughter	02:08
	16	Peter Alves – Boat People Behind the Couch (Spoken Word)	00:23

Side 2

		Track Name	Length
	1	Val Bailey – And Now, the Prime Minister of Canada (Spoken Word)	00:28
	2	Micah Barnes – Iggy, Is That You?	03:44
	3	Eugene Levy – Let’s Declare a Misdial (Spoken Word)	01:08
	4	Peter Alves – Belligerent Bureaucrat Pesters Patient Public (Spoken Word)	00:11
	5	Val Bailey & Ian Thomas – The Red River Serial (Spoken Word)	00:18
	6	Val Bailey – The Road Across Saskatchewan (Spoken Word)	00:46
	7	Catherine O’Hara – Zombie Zucchinis from Outer Space (Spoken Word)	01:26
	8	Rick Moranis – Light My Fire	04:30
	9	Rick Shurman – Total Environmental Systems (Spoken Word)	03:21
	10	Ian Thomas – Is Your Metal Heavy?	03:25
	11	Peter Alves – Just Checking (Spoken Word)	00:09
	12	Earl Cameron – The Revenge of the Tundra (Spoken Word)	00:21
	13	Dave Thomas – Robert Service at Your Service	03:52
	14	Eugene Levy – Last Call (Spoken Word)	01:28
	15	Val Bailey – Black Hole (The Secret Cut)	03:23

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Information/Write-up

The Wankers’ Guide to Canada (1986) is a Canadian comedy concept album issued on Anthem Records that blends spoken-word sketches, parody songs, and satirical portraits of Canadian life, regions, and cultural stereotypes. Structured like a mock travel guide, the LP moves from province to province through absurd vignettes, faux broadcasts, and musical send-ups that lampoon media, bureaucracy, bilingualism, and national identity.

The record brings together a loose collective of performers — many drawn from the SCTV orbit — including Martin Short, Rick Moranis, Dave Thomas, Catherine O’Hara, and Eugene Levy, alongside The Nylons, Ian Thomas (Dave Thomas’s brother), Earl Cameron, Val Bailey, Peter Alves, Micah Barnes, and the vocal trio billed as The Hummer Sisters. The various sketches are framed as field recordings, instructional asides, and fictional radio segments, giving the album a collage-like, radio-theatre feel rather than a traditional comedy-album format.

The project’s conceptual framing and production orbit reflect the creative influence of Yuri Rubinsky, whose taste for literate satire and layered conceptual humor resonates throughout the album. Blending wordplay, cultural parody, theatrical performance, and careful studio craft, the record balances absurdity with structure. While playful and deliberately exaggerated, it is unmistakably rooted in mid-1980s Canadian media culture, echoing the era’s television comedy, regional caricatures, and broadcast aesthetics.

Musically and sonically, the LP is polished for a comedy record, moving fluidly between spoken sketches, a cappella performances, and staged “live” moments such as the faux highway bootleg of “Light My Fire.” Rather than a collection of isolated jokes, the album functions as a continuous satirical narrative — a skewed, theatrical “guidebook” that maps Canada through caricature, wordplay, and performance.
-Robert Williston

The One and Only
Wankers’ Guide to Canada

The Album that made Canada famous. Details inside.

One day, Ignatz Wanker, a Bulgarian man, along with his family, Wanda, Wankette and Wee Willie, had a concept. This is it: a Musical-Comedy-Crypto-Light-Rock-Opera and Guide Book Album to Canada.

They called their lawyer. He said write the book first. They did. This isn’t it. This is the Album.

The Wankers’ very own album with their friends:
Martin Short
Rick Moranis
Dave Thomas
Catherine O’Hara
Eugene Levy
The Nylons
Ian Thomas
Hummer Sisters
Earl Cameron
and, of course, The Wankers’ Big Wanker Band.

This is Them.

How to Buy This Album

Be here now. In your record store. Today.

Make sure this is the record you’re holding.

Think to yourself: I wonder if they know what Wanker really means.

Go directly to the cashier. Conduct money business. Transact naturally.

Rush home. Get experienced.

Listen to Side 1, Cut 6: ‘How to Use This Record.’

Loud Songs and Direct Hits:

Wankers Away
Is Your Metal Heavy?
We Have Your Daughter
Robert Service at Your Service
Iggy (Is That You?)
Well-Dressed Girls

PLUS: Link Mink singing ‘Light My Fire’
AND: Jimi Hendrix conducting Vivaldi

Special Third Side:
33⅓% More Record and a Secret Cut!

No Two Songs The Same.

Soon to be a Major Country.

Cast
Earl Cameron: host
Eugene Levy: Syd Dithers
Martin Short: Singing Wanker
Rick Moranis: Link Mink
Dave Thomas: Robert Service
Catherine O’Hara: Mrs. Sherman and the Bilingual Lady
Rick Shurman: ‘I’ the DJ
Ian Thomas: Hamlet
Val Bailey: Voice of Reason
Peter Alves: various roles
The Wankers: themselves

Musicians
Jonathan Goldsmith: keyboards (excluding ‘Light My Fire’)
Kerry Crawford: guitars
Jorn Andersen: drums
Tom Szczesniak: accordion
Robert Yale: keyboards (‘Light My Fire’)

Additional Voices
Jennifer Argles
John Blackwood
Louise Blouin
Gaven Dianda
Michelle Gauvreau
Roz Goldsmith
Alan Gordon
Peter Gzowski
John Hemphill
Syd Kessler
Bob Naismith
Jack Newman
Tom Phillips
Yuri Rubinsky
Marlow Vella

Featured Vocalists
Martin Short: ‘Wankers Away’
Janet Burke: ‘Well-Dressed Girls’
Jennifer Dean: ‘Well-Dressed Girls’
Deanne Taylor: ‘Well-Dressed Girls’
The Nylons: ‘We Have Your Daughter’
Micah Barnes: ‘Iggy (Is That You?)’
Rick Moranis: ‘Light My Fire’
Ian Thomas: ‘Is Your Metal Heavy?’
Dave Thomas: ‘Robert Service at Your Service’

Back-Up Vocalists
Shawn Jackson
Sharon-Lee Williams
Lisa Dal Bello
Colin Phillips
Tim Ryan
Ian Thomas

Production
Produced by Marc Giacomelli
Music produced by Kerry Crawford and Jonathan Goldsmith
Associate producer: Steve Convery
Engineered and mixed by Mike Jones
Assistant engineer: Zork
Fairlight programmer: Robert Yale
Creative consultants: Peter Alves, Ian Brown, Marc Giacomelli, Robert MacDonald, Yuri Rubinsky, Ian Wiseman
Production co-ordinators: Honey Steiner, Jennifer Argles
Management: Nathan Rappaport
Executive producer: Sydney E. Kessler

Artwork
Album design by Dreadnaught

Notes
Thanks to Young Val, Young Pegi, Old Ray, Peter Cheney, Rudy McToots, Salim Sachedina, Heather, Lisa, Sarah, Michelle, Mel, Sue Seal, Walter Wall, David, Deborah, Olive Holley, The Queens Own Rifles Canada, and Canapress.

Special thanks to Honey, Jeremy, Sarah, Max, Nancy, and Evelyn Rose.

Fan Club
Showtime Marketing
5030 Paradise Road, C-118
Las Vegas, Nevada 89119

Canada: Big Land of Small Things

One day not very long ago in Bulgaria, a man named Ignatz Wanker put down his hammer, took off his work apron, and listened to a sparrow in a nearby tree.

It happened just like that: one moment he was working, the next he was tired of it.

Moving carefully so as not to disturb the sweet singing of the tiny forager, he walked into the kitchen of his house, looked his wife in the eyes — somewhere he had never looked before — and said: “Wanda, get packed. Get the kids. Get the dog. We’re going to Canada.”

And so they did.

Canada! That great land of small notions, where America is America and where Canada is too. Where the politicians look like TV heroes and the waiters look like your brother-in-law. Where Edmonton is. Where the sky is as large as a space above the earth, where the land is rugged and the water’s cold and bright, where men are men and women are women. It’s all very confusing.

Ignatz Wanker and his travels through Canada are known to Wankers everywhere. Because he made their land his land and then made it your land.

So buy this album. Then buy two more. Dare to be a Wanker like him. (See sleeve for details.)

Approved by Jokes Canada Jokes

WHILE TRAVELLING THROUGH THIS ALBUM, WATCH FOR THESE
ROCK AND ROLLAGRAMS

Drug-inspired lyrics
Jiffy Pop reggae hat
Runaway rock-and-roll lunchpail
Elephants in fezzes
Don’t eat this record
Dead guitars
Danger: acne zone
No roadies allowed
Exploding stereo
Audio tanning
Needle disorder
Nice haircut

THE CUTS

SIDE ONE

Tina Turner, Mick Jagger and Bruce Springsteen Live

NEWFOUNDLAND
Province of Empty Light Bulb Sockets

2 Welcome to Canada
A nice travelogue tries to wrestle control of the album away from the Wankers’ collection of Canadian sights, sounds and smells.

3 Album Immigration
Just answer a few simple questions. You’ll get a listening permit for the rest of the record.

4 Wankers Away – Martin Short and The Wankers’ Big Band
Original title: “The Loneliness of the Long Distance Wanker”

MARITIMES
Hold onto your Hat — and your Underwear

5 Ah, the Muh
You are now here. And not a minute too soon. A few more revolutions and we’d all be gone, gone, gone.

6 How to Use This Record
Listen to these instructions and sales pitch carefully. Off your stereo you will blow up. Or else you’ll hear a loud stereo “blowing-up” sound effect.

ONTARIO
Land of Many Wankers

7 This Hour No Time Slot
This sentence now on the air. Digitally mastered to give that “live” feeling.

8 A Place to Sleep Ontario
A quick trip through Wawa, Petawawa, Wanapitei, Wanakaka and Betcha-wanna-be-here?

9 Emergency Measures
If you’re reading this, you may have already survived a nuclear attack. Check your family for mutations.

10 Kidnapped Wankette
It is $4,350. Okay, we’ll pay you.

11 We Have Your Daughter – The Nylons
That’s okay. We have your instruments.

12 Boat People Behind the Couch
The Immigration Department has ways to make you stop listening.

QUEBEC
Where Every Man Owns His Own Liquor Store

13 The French Question
Voulez-vous Wanker avec moi? A romantic interlude between two French-Canadians.

14 Oral French, If You Know What We Mean
Point, deux points, virgule, and Wee Willie Wanker learns French through trial and error.

15 Well-Dressed Girls – The Humber Sisters
This was the band that Wanda — who always wanted to be a folksinger — ran away to join.

16 A Skill-Testing Answer
Go ahead. Use this answer to win valuable prizes.

SIDE TWO

17 And Now, the Prime Minister of Canada
A special message to all Wankers from Brian Mulroney and the Honourable Members.

18 Wankers’ Groupe du Jour
A musical tribute to Ignatz J. Wanker, the Man with the Hat On.

THE PRAIRIES
Where No Man Can Leap to his Death

19 Let’s Declare a Mislaid Sky
Citizens of Canada say he just called to say just this.

20 Belligerent Bureaucrat Pesters Patient Public
Stop listening to this record. And turn on the radio.

21 The Red River Serial
Just in time for Manitoba’s favourite radio show. This week: Shakespeare for Fat People. Be careful not to bite the big one!

22 Zombie Zucchinis from Outer Space
Your very own radio drama.

23 The Road Across Saskatchewan
A short asphalt poem. This has been a message from Poetry Canada, Beatnik Division.

ALBERTA
The Middle East of the West

24 Light My Fire – Iinsk Minyka and the Balkan Powderkeg
The man from Leningrad recorded live in the back of a truck.

BRITISH COLUMBIA
Wake Up When You Want To

25 Total Environmental Systems
Wondering what to think? TJ the DJ and Monofous St. Laurent review the Wankers’ latest hit album.

26 Is Your Metal Heavy?
The Wankers’ Groupe du Jour and Big Band. Are you kidding? Is Barney’s best friend Fred?

27 Just Checking
Don’t forget to display your listening permit for this album in a prominent place. On your face. In outer space.

UP NORTH
Radars of the Lost Arctic

28 The Revenge of the Tundra
Your trip is almost over. You are in the Yukon and the North West Territories. At the same time. Better look twice.

Manufactured by Anthem Records Inc., 189 Carlton Street, Toronto, Ontario M5A 2K7. Distributed by Capitol Records-EMI of Canada Limited, 3109 American Drive, Mississauga, Ontario L4V 1B2.

© 1986 Anthem Group/All Rights Reserved.

Zombie Zucchinis
By Mrs. Evelyn Wiseman

Click. Ricky Sherman reached up, turned off the radio and opened the fridge door. Vegetables. Why did his mother buy so many vegetables?

“Ricky! Is that you in the fridge again? You just had dinner.”

“Mom,” said Ricky. “Are these zucchinis from outer space?”

“Of course not, Ricky. Where would you get an idea like that?” said his mother, gazing fondly at her 8-year-old son. “You have such a crazy imagination.”

“Mummy?” Ricky closed the fridge door. “Who was that man using Daddy’s shaving cream this morning?”

Mrs. Sherman looked sharply at her son. “Oh that . . . that was Uncle Nelson.”

“Oh,” said Ricky quietly. Then he smiled. “Is Uncle Nelson from outer space?”

“Of course not, you silly boy. Where do you get these ideas?” She laughed a high, tinkling laugh that she hoped covered her nervousness.

“But I saw Uncle Nelson’s big zucchini.”

“Why don’t you go outside and take Milty for a walk?”

“I already took him for a walk, Mom,” Ricky whined. “He’s tired now.” The boy was looking at her, no longer smiling.

“No, he’s not. Now go on.”

Slowly, shuffling his sneakers on the new blue linoleum that had arrived last week from Pender’s Home Supply, Ricky left the room.

“And don’t slam the door,” Mrs. Sherman called after him. He did anyway.

How did he know her secrets so well? The child was uncanny. Like a zombie. Through the wide kitchen window she could see the little bastard down the road, throwing stones at the dog.

It was too much. The boy knew. “We can’t have that,” said Mrs. Sherman to herself.

Slowly, deliberately, as if in a trance, she turned to the gently humming refrigerator. Yes, she thought. It is time. She tugged on the door — once, twice, finally opening it on the third try. There on the shelf were the two large ripe zucchinis.

She bent slowly into the fridge and picked up the larger of the two marrows. Its delicate green skin was cool to her touch. It was a fine zucchini. Like Nelson’s, yes. Slowly, pulling gently on its short stubby stalk, she activated the vegetable and slipped it into the pocket of her apron.

Outside, the prairie wind blew low across the wide Saskatchewan plain. Ricky stood bored at the end of the gravel driveway. “I’ll have to fry him,” Mrs. Sherman said quietly. “Fry him real good.”

“Ricky!” she shouted, raising her voice above the wind. Storms were coming on the horizon. “Ricky!”

The boy turned. He could see his mother, her pretty blonde hair lifted in the breeze, standing on the back porch of the weathered farm house. What did she want now?

Slowly, Mrs. Sherman took the zucchini from her apron. It felt heavy in her hand.

“What, Mom?” Ricky, impatient, thrust his hands into his bluejeans.

“Goodbye, Ricky,” called his mother. “I love you.”

Slowly she squeezed the trigger on the marrow. A short squirt of green light shot from its thick barrel. As it engulfed the boy, Mrs. Sherman noticed his eyes were wide with wonder.

And then he was no more. A small eight-year-old boy was suddenly a mound of compost by the mailbox.

Mrs. Sherman gently placed the zucchini in her apron again and walked toward the barn. The clouds, blue-grey, had obscured the sun. She would have to hurry.

The door to the silo was open. Mrs. Sherman stooped to enter the gleaming aluminum tube. Inside, a tall red-haired man was adjusting some dials in a metal box.

“Hello, Nelson,” Mrs. Sherman said. “It’s time to go.”

“Yes.” The man’s voice was deep and metallic, emanating from his chest. “Is the boy terminated? Good. We go now.”

Quickly now, gathering her apron about her, Mrs. Sherman stepped through the hatch Nelson held open. He adjusted the dials a final time.

“Hurry, Nelson,” Mrs. Sherman said from the craft.

Three minutes later, an observer in a neighboring field might have witnessed the giant missile emerge, amid much smoke, from its vast silo — slowly at first, then faster and faster, a vast zucchini of green aluminum streaking upwards into the overcast prairie sky.

On the ground, a small black dog sniffed and whimpered at a small acrid pair of blue jeans. It was beginning to rain.

Reprinted courtesy of
Not The Globe & Mail,
April 2, 1986

First, Second & Third Place Winner in the CBC Extremely Short Story Contest

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